Wallowing Over a Mop Bucket

A rough night brings back Cici's more difficult emotions.

Submitted by Werewire for Eye in the Sky Guest Week!

It was difficult for Cici to not feel like a mess.

She was laying in her dorm room bed, wide awake. Thinking about who else but Tycho.

Still hung up on if it could have been different or if Tycho will finally see that Bass doesn't care about him and never will.

She stopped processing her tears a while ago.

Of course, she knew she was overreacting, of course she was overreacting. She was acting like a child that couldn't have something. But she couldn't help it, bass was so much worse than her as an option, she still couldn't fathom why he was so obsessed with him.

Then again… other people probably wouldn't fathom what she sees in Tycho. But Tycho wasn't nearly as bad as Bass, as her, even. All he really did wrong was love a man so unabashedly undeserving of it with an unwipeable jovial attitude. Maybe that helped it sting less, but Cici couldn't copy that. Tycho is not nearly as oblivious as Bass, she couldn't admit that to him. It would crush her, she knew that well.

He would reject her, and she needed to be okay with that, but she wasn't. The very thought of it would bring her to tears. He would not tell her he loved her, he would always be seeking Bass's attention instead.

This job was a mistake, and she can't even fix it by at least saving someone on her way out. He encouraged her to go, but can she really leave without him? Could she work another shit job that's only barely better than this without him? She wasn't sure.

She wished she could say anything about how she feels. But she can only imagine what he'd say, she could only make him up in her head instead of talking to him. She felt pathetic, what did he even see in her to become friends if she was this childish about him?

Would he even miss her if she left? He would likely double down on his affection for Bass. She couldn't be a hint of common sense to him anymore. What reason would he have to think of her? She would be far from here, and she would not be coming back. She didn't know what his limit was, what would he put up with before quitting?

Then what would she do? She'd ditch free housing and a job to get something slightly better? When it wouldn't be a guarantee she'd even get hired? Running back to her parents with her tail between her legs because she didn't even get fired, she quit? How pathetic that would be. They'd open their arms wide because they had to love her, not because they did.

Would it even be better? Either way it's misery. The only solace quitting might give is that Tycho would never find out she thought about him this way in any way. But she wouldn't just tell him, so that's not true. She would always be a tar pit, stuck to him, instead of the other way around. He didn't have to keep being around her, he had other friends, replacing her would be simple. He only had them to pass the time anyway.

She didn't know whether or not it would be for the better if he ditched her. "Do I even deserve him?" She thought bitterly. It was difficult to discern. She was certainly being childish about him, and demanding something that was probably unreasonable. He wouldn't ever love her if he didn't like girls in the first place. She could barely tell why he had wanted to be friends in the first place, she was so boring. It wasn't like she had anything going on in her life, she was stuck here.

The worst part was that she didn't even know if having him would actually make her happy. Maybe she loved the idea of him more than the real thing, just like Tycho sees Bass. He would always be chasing the dragon of the idea of Bass, maybe she was the same way. Maybe she would be happy, Tycho's positive attitude would rub off and they'd be happily ever after until Bass fires them. Maybe she'd be just as miserable, doubting he even loves her.

Maybe she was unlovable and she had to get used to it. She would always crave it, but never have it. Always wanting more and more, she wouldn't ever be satisfied. No matter how much love he'd feed her. She was a tar pit, made of her broken dreams, any hope she had, and a constant desire to be loved.

But she couldn't even say she wasn't loved enough, she had no excuse to be the way she was. She was just a pathetic person all the way down to her core. She couldn't even call herself a monster, she'd never be malicious about it. She at least had the grace to have her breakdown in private, so no one could see and would never know.

The happily ever after she wanted so badly with him would never happen, and she had to be okay with that.

She wasn't.

It would never be okay, how could it be? Tycho was in love with a man who didn't even know his name, who didn't even think of him as human. When she was right there appreciating him.

She knew she would end up lying wide awake in her dorm thinking all of this again, even if she lied to herself and said she was okay with this. That root stubbornness was why she kept being so pathetic, she couldn't let him go.

The only light in the absolutely miserable place that is EOX, and she had to cast him aside, throw him away like he's nothing.

It made her sick to her stomach, she couldn't do that. No matter how much this hurts and how many tears she sheds over him.

It would only be a matter of time until she cried herself to sleep, and even that wouldn't free her. She would dream of him no matter what.

She resigned herself to an eternity of this, it wasn't like she was going to lose this job anytime soon. It wasn't like Tycho would lose it either.

"Goodnight Tycho…" She mumbled aloud to herself. She choked back a sob as she received no response, like it always would be.

She was too tired to do much else but cry, eventually drifting off into sleep.

She had work the next day, so she wouldn't get any sort of relief when she woke up.

It wasn't like relief would make her feel better about the whole thing, now would it?